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    consultants

    Consultants
    An Alberta farmer was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him.

    The driver, a young man from Red Deer in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer "If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves," says the farmer .

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a consultant," says the farmer .

    "Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required," answered the farmer . "You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep.

    Now give me back my dog."

    #2
    Or the simpler definition of a consultant: Someone who steals your watch so he can tell you what time it is.

    Comment


      #3
      Cleaning Chickens....



      "Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

      "It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy.

      The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

      Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

      So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

      Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth,

      little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

      "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.

      The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.

      And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen,

      he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

      'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"

      He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

      To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.

      Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.

      As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog

      Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy.



      Then we all looked on plumb helpless, as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

      "Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

      Comment

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